Scared to lose something I never had,
Hoping this is not some type of typical guy 3-month fad.
Don’t want to do anything to push him away…
Want to make sure I’m there for him to listen to every word he has to say.
Deep down inside, I question whether I should continue on this ride…
And push on through this journey with a confident stride.
I blame it all on my past and the mess I went through the 2 years before last.
The neglect, the abuse, making me feel like my words and thoughts were of no use.
My life was purposeless, value was worthless.
Was his queen in private, but was a stranger in public.
Used for intimacy in private, but was invisible in public.
Caressed and “loved” in private, but yelled at and dissed in public.
Tormented by looks of disgust from rumors he spread,
Walking down the hall hearing all the foul things he said.
Remembering when I went to lie down and found another chick’s underwear in the bed.
Remembering what he said…
Remembering after the blows how I bled.
Remembering the way I laid my head,
So he wouldn’t see me cry.
Knowing every word he said was a bold face lie.
I was too blind to see what this was all doing to me.
Why couldn’t I pull together my little strength and flee?
They say I’m a spitting image of my mother and imitate her like no other.
When things got tough she loved,
When she hurt she loved,
When she fought she still loved.
As for me, in my times I did all of the above.
So I stayed and endured the pain —
Even if that meant sleeping outside on benches in the rain.
I was afraid — cried in closets for days —
Thought of ending my life in so many ways.
I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough,
Wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t classy enough.
Wasn’t this, wasn’t that — but he did notice one thing…
When I was getting too fat.
So four years have past.
And I no longer have to go through the mess I went through the 2 years before last.
I found the courage to flee
And do whatever I can to be the best I can be
Without changing any part of me.
Can only hope and pray that the NEW HE
Can have patience with me, come to me willingly
And see the best in me.
Walking with me side by side on this journey
Of setting myself free
From the bad memories of the past and bruises of he-Captivity.
…TO BE CONTINUED
So beside me is the NEW HE
only to allow it to be
Quite a challenging journey
of HE and ME.
Too blind to see
that I could only be Freeif I allowed myself to be..
So to keep myself sane and maintain, I learn how to cope with a unique pain.
A different pain, a happy get up and go make something of yaself pain.
A why hold ya head to strain-be independent and maintain pain.
An I am here for a reason we all go through seasons pain.
A mistakes are made but our life we cannot trade
so don’t shy in the dark to fade but commit to a personal upgrade pain.
A today I commit to no longer stray from the hand that drew my path
from the foot that made my prints from the eyes that see my future pain.
A right now I humble myself to look back and see that it was not me but HE (My God) that allowed it to be and as His daughter I will obey willingly….pain.
A remember to allow HIM to lead b/c alone with our blinded eyes we
will never succeed no matter how good the deed we will never be free
forever and always we will see and be in love with…